on beauty

This is me. Currently. I'm in a state of perpetual change.
a long time ago i saw an old wedding picture in someones house. i think it was the lady i cleaned for. wow. i remember staring at that photo for a long time. I would look at the woman now and then at her then and think about my impression of who she was from one picture to the other as if i were looking at them without knowing they were the same person. I would have assigned them different personalities. I realized I thought that the woman in the younger picture looked like a happier woman. Simply because she was younger and prettier. But really, this is balderdash. Pure poppycock.
i'm always assigning personalities to people. Beauty factors in heavily. today in the immigration line at the HOng Kong airport i took stock. There were a line of women, sisters i assumed. Their mother and father were in line as well. The father was a toadish man with a gangster toad face and a retired wrestlers body. His face was like a rough hewn cube. Blockish. Not attractive in the sense of beauty but attractive in the way that i really wanted to stare at him and think about him as a new father- what would he be like just picking up his new born daughter for the first time? EAsy to imagine him in a rage but what about in a state of unguarded love.
He had about 4 daughters.Not one of them would be considered beautiful. One was probably a boy at the beginning but she was an ugly woman now. She had a blockish glowering head with a mane of prized tresses. Work with what you got. I checked for the adam's apple. But I couldn't look at her long at all because she was on the lookout for eyes that were serepticiously checking her out. You could tell she was a pro at catching the ones that were trying to grab a glance on the sly. Like me. So I panned the people slowly to the right to prove to her that i was just as interested in looking at everyone else . yes, they were all just as equally interesting as you so don't think your special.
This works for me. i have employed it several times.
Anyway. She didn't look happy and i assumed it was because she thought everyone was staring at her and judging her (like me). I thought she was unhappy because she would never, no matter how trendy her clothes were , how perfect her hair was , how well she applied her makeup, she would always look like a block headed gangster tranny toad. And yes I thought, man, if i looked like that as a guy , the last thing i would want to attempt would be to look like a girl. what a crazy challenge.
Later in the day i walked into the Body Shop and tried some body firming lotion. i rubbed it on one hand and one arm and then left the store. i walked in the next store where there was better light and held up my hands. Was there a difference? Kinda. Yeah Kinda. But a $23.65 difference?!
Then i walked into In and Out. cheap trendy clothing. There was a woman shopping who was I think about 3 years older than me. I decided i would follow her and watch her to see what she dared to buy here in this trendy young women's shop. Was she older than me? Yes, she had to be. But maybe just a little bit older. ...maybe even the same age as me. Is it possible that I look like her shopping here? Its okay right? See, she shops here so I can too. My mind makes me crazy with this crap.
I walked out.
Blah blah blog.
I had a dream on my birthday last year. I was fighting with a vicious peacock. It was pecking me hard with a very sharp beak. I was having to fight it back. You would think it wasn't that dangerous. its just a bird after all. But it was kicking my ass.

In the past couple of years this is what i get told a lot :
You must have been a very beautiful woman when you were young.
You are so beautiful in this old picture. I didn't even recognize it was you! ...this was said by my boyfriend.
You just insulted me, I told him.
I did?
I sigh and roll my eyes. Yep.
Baby, I 'm sorry, you know you have to forgive me , I don't know how to say things right sometimes.

I am no longer photogenic. For sure i was and it was just a little over a year ago. I know this because my friend Sway and I were discussing this and we were trying to figure out when it happened. when did we lose our angle. When did we lose our photogenicity? I think it was about January. Even October of last year. Because in June it was totally there still. See, I said, pointing to a photo of us in a photo from that month , I wasn't even aware. I was at peace with the camera.
So for a while i have been on a hunt for my angle. I started taking photos of myself all the time. With out my clothes on in stark hotel rooms. Sway and i looked at these and laughed hard. None were salvageable. Kinda Diane Arbus looking though. I'm not ready to be that though. I am working on accepting all these miraculous changes. This woman that owns this populare cosmetics company was featured in an article in some magazine i bought in Singapore.( it was a magazine for people over 50. It was a bargain. Only $2.00. I got it because it had an article about presbyopia-. I made a point of not trying to hide the fact that i was buying this magazine. You know sometimes you have to buy things that you don't really want people to know you are buying. Things like: tampax, hemerroid cream, Rid lice and crab killer, flea bombs, flavored condoms,. I try to buy all my stuff without shame and give all articles equal counter space and time as they are checked out. ) I don't know much about this woman's cosmetics but she owns the company and she is 50 and she says, Don't try to look young. Try to look the best you can. Pretty obvious stuff but as you can see, i am repeating it so, I think its ..deep.
good lord. I got so tore up by that rediculous peacock. I don't have to fight a bird. I can just walk away. The bird is just defending its territory. Simply get out of its territory. Its not rocket science , sheesh. Is it really so important to win a battle with a vain egotistical bird?
oh gosh.
okay okay. yeah yeah.
I want to be strong and graceful and timelessly beautiful. I do have those moments. Like the toad man holding his new baby daughter.
For the most part,I try to care about more interesting things but you know what. I'm looking at my hands right now and ...I think there is a $23.65 difference.