That was what i read on the gigantic billboard i saw this morning about an hour outside of Shanghai. It was in front of the tolls. I mean...i think i was outside of Shanghai. Its a big ass city. Yesterday i was trying to buy a ticket, from where ever I was, to get back to Saigon. I had to call because there are so many airlines in Asia that don't have e-ticketing. Or maybe they just have selective e-ticketing. They said that if i take the express flight to Hong Kong before 12:00 I could get the econo rate. I could pay for it over the phone but I would have to pick up the ticket from the office , not at the airport.
Okay...how far is the office from the Airport?
About 3 hours.
3 hours?? And its still in Shanghai?!
Yes.
And that is your nearest office to the Airport?
Yes. But you can buy your ticket for a later flight and get it from the airport ...but it is the full price.
What??.........%#@.......okaythanksbye. ( I talk fast like this before i hang up on someone or walk away. i talk fast in a disgusted, exasperated, hopeless and pissed kinda way)
Can that be true, i ask the assistant that had been assigned to me.
Yes. Shanghai is very big.
3 hours??
It is very big.
Hmmm.
I was getting pissed because one of the guys in this office took over buying my ticket and went ahead and purchased it without really listening to me . I was still working out what i wanted. I wanted cheap and late in the day. My connecting flight wouldnt be leaving from Hong Kong until 8 that night so no need to rush to Hong Kong. But as i was thinking this out loud he had decided that he knew just what i needed and took charge of the situation. I had decided that the more expensive flight was going to be okay because then i could sleep in. "You know, i 'll just fly with Dragon" I kept saying but he was already handling things. I kept asking him, what time is this flight? but he was so busy being impressively fast that he ignored me and i began to mutter.
I mutter things like, "Of course your not answering me because your not listening to me...fuckhead..fuckhead, fuckhead fuckhead." but i only mouthed the "fuckhead" part. Everything else i say quietly outloud in a little bitter song. "fuckhead" is the lip sync chorus.
okay hold on...theres a woman in the airport lounge here right now with her older mother and her son who is confined in a big kid stroller. He looks like he is about 6 or 7. He is being fed directly into his stomach through a sort of giant syringe iv line going into his belly. He makes movements like a newborn. I want to go up and talk to them but she is so busy. Her mother is also so old that she also needs to get around by wheelchair. The mother has just run off and the grandma is cooing to her grandson with such love and tenderness i want to cry. In fact i am tearing up a bit. He is their glorious fortune.
but back to my whiney story.
So then they inform me that this means that the driver will pick me up tomorrow morning at 7:00 am. My face clouds and they explain that it is important not to be late. ....so yeah, i shouldn't be because that gives me 5 hours to get on my flight.
You can go to bed early tonight they say like they are my fuckin mom.
I know that I will not go to bed early. I never go to bed early. I hate getting up early. It is a 2 hour drive to the airport but htat still gives me 3 airport hours before boarding.
I am driven back to my hotel room . I am thankful that they are not insisting on taking me out to dinner. I really don't like the meal situation with my work .
In fact it is probably the hardest part of my job. They always ask what i would like to eat like this, "You like Chinese traditional food?! Yes?! They are nodding their heads yes to que me in on the correct answer.
Yeah , okay, its fine.
Then everyone comes along. It is a treat for them. I am the free meal ticket because it is a business lunch. So everyone in the upper management i guess gets to go. They enjoy these meals and it always takes a good 10 to 15 minutes deliberating with the waitress just to order the food. There is always at least 7 to 12 dishes ordered. There is always lots of talk - none in english. There is always everyone filling up my rice bowl without my asking for more. ...i hate that. Yesterday I touched my hand to my mouth and the assistant sprang into action ripping open a towelette and profering it to me in record time. She did this with the same speed you might expect a mom to do if her child was had just implied projectile vomiting was about to take place. "Oh thank you." I faked, accepting the wipe like a gift and dabbed again at my mouth to show her what a life saver she was.
This place was shabby but i guess the food must have been good.
Drunken men were hollering at one another In the next "private" dining room. It seems there is always a group of drunken men hollering at a table close by during every lunch I've been to in asia. Its my idea of the chinese ambiance. As was the framed dirty movie ad for Patch Adams in the stairway at this place , I thought to myself. Once again i thought about an idea for another coffee table book- this one would be titled, "Pictures hung on the walls in Chinese cafes" The rest of the framed pictures in this restaurant were random black and white nature shots. Really random. This is something else i have noticed about these nature shots i see in restaurants and hotels. Its like someone went to the empty lot on the street and took snaps of weeds and a tree because they needed to use up their film. Or perhaps the owner of these places took a photography class so that they could meet girls or their wives told them they weren't creative and one of the assignments was, go outside and take some pictures of "nature". ...really, i know i sound like a snob or like i probably just don't see what these photographers are seeing but ...look, I'll take some photos of these photos and post them within the month so , you tell me when you see them. Whenever i see these pictures i'm dying to know the story of where they came from. Maybe they gave their nephew a new camera for his 13th birthday and asked him to take some photos. maybe this kid was a favorite and so they told him that they would honor him by framing all his photos and putting one in each room of the gigantic hotel. Maybe the 13 year old nephew actually couldn't stand his uncle so he decided to make a mockery of the project. Maybe his wife took them and cried when her husband didn't notice them so he placated her by putting them in the hotel or restaurant.
So I am in my hotel and doing the email thing and think that i will eat around 7 or 8 when my appetite returns. In China it is impolite not to at least sample each dish. Plus, there is nothing else for me to do during these lunches but eat as there is no english spoken.
There is no room service menu. I go down to the restaurant and ask if i can order room service from the menu.
No comprendo. No english spoken here. They all answer me in rapid mandarin.
there is a pause.
okaynevermindthanks.
I go to the next floor. Ah, "the Victoria" western food. Inside the Victoria is the buffet spread. I don't want to sit down here in this place and do the buffet. i just want a tuna sandwich with fries. There's always a tuna sandwich and fries. I again ask for a menu to order room service from. But no one speaks english here either. Not even a little bit.
I go to the only english speaker in this whole place - the girl at the front desk - and ask if they have room service.
I have to repeat it several times. Roooom Service. Room Service. ...I want to eat in my room. I want to eat food.
Food!
Yes!
Upstairs.
No I want to order from a menu and have it brought to my room.
I don't get it. This is a 4 star hotel. I am on the 21st floor. There are 3 restaurants, a gym, an indoor pool , bowling, a night club, shops, the whole shebang. I don't get why room service is such a foreign idea. I'm sure it isn't if I would just say the words in a different order i guess. I think about the" Slip Carefully" plaque next to the bathtub in my room.
Oh oh yes, food in your room . You can have chinese food brought to your room ....but not western food .
I sigh and grip my teeth.
okaynevermindthanks.
I mutter back to my room and eat an apple from the fruit bowl.
I could have ventured out to the cafes out side but , man...sometimes i'm just not up to the communcation challenge. And here, they all act like you know mandarin. the shop keepers come over and give me their sales pitches, even the people i worked with the other day would walk in and start explaining away about something. Its a strange feeling. I just look at them blankly and don't even speak because I'm thinking , whats the point. we obviously don't speak the same language. Or with the shop keepers i usually end up rudely ignoring them. I usually don't even realize they are talking to me even when i am the only other person in the store because I have learned to tune it out to effectively ...The Chinese are like Americans in this respect I suppose. I mean we always expect everyone to know english if they are in our country. ...anyway..
The next morning i get up and make the driver wait a half hour. I am not going to rush so I can wait at an airport for 3 hours i growl to myself. But at least I will have time to eat. Once i get to the airport i am bumped into an earlier flight as the 12:00 has been cancelled. . so no time for a meal now. But then i see that there is a crowd at the gate and the english speakers say that the flight is being delayed.
okay, then i can eat after all. There is a cafe that serves french fries nearby.
i go back to the deli and order a vegetable sandwich- tomatoe and cucumber on white bread - and french fries. i make the order to the waitress who also collects my money at the same time. She walks away . Crap, i just spent $10.oo for that stuff. and then i see that my flight is actually boarding after all. i go tell the waitress to cancel my order. She does and then i look at her , like okay, now this is where you give me back my money. She says, "Take a seat and wait please." I don't take a seat , i stand in a place that is in the way and wait. I give up and start to walk to my gate and then i decide to come back. she is at the cashiers now. She gives me my change from the money i had given her in the first place. ( i had 2$ yen coming back.) I say "I want all my money back" and she says, "can not cancel" and she walks away. I growl and give up. I walk toward my gate and then , no dammit, i come back again. I push myself into her face and say, I saw you cancel the order, so you can give me my money back.
Can not cancel.
I saw you cancel. Give me money back!
Can not cancel! can not cancel!!
Isawyoucancel!.... Bitch. I said and walked away muttering.
Okay the woman has come back in lounge now . Airport attendants are helping her with everything. Her mother is in the wheel chair. They are ready to go but she is upset because she has just realized that she has left her ...teeth...on the last flight. ...3 of them. She is clutching her mouth now as if she is suddenly naked . The airport attendants are asking if they can help her close her luggage. "No, the zipper broke when it was being searched", says the 3 teeth missing mother wearily. The seven year old is fussing like a tiny baby waving his stunted fists around and knocking at his face. Now the mother is putting on deoderant in a completely unselfconscious way. i love her. I want to tell her this as they all wheel away.
but i don't.
because i'm busy whining!
Back to the whining!
Oh,so I guess thats it really. I mean for the day. I am waiting in Hong kong for my flight back to Saigon. It has been delayed by an hour and a half so lets see that gives me ....6 hours or i should say gave me 6 hours. I just used 2 and a half to whine about my glorious fortune.
